I want to be creative so I bought cheap paint and small canvasses and I paint. But I can’t really draw, so I just paint streaks and swirls of different colours. It’s meant to be relaxing, but it’s actually frustrating, because it doesn’t look good. I’m a perfectionist and I want to make art. It seems silly to spend money on supplies to create something ugly. At least with writing you’ve only wasted time.

I was reluctant to buy the supplies in the first place because I knew I would get upset. At least I understand the problems I make for myself. That’s a start.

If I could turn all that off, I would enjoy just the motion of painting. I like how thick the paint is at first, how it thins out with brushing, then ends up in a nice pattern of back and forth brush strokes with white canvas showing through. It’s pleasing to see the white space of the canvas become red, then blue, then shades of purple. Sort of like a bruise. Maybe that’s what I should do: try to paint a bruise.